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Revision as of 14:22, 26 January 2009 by (talk) (Do ASHLEE HUSK)
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Basildon is a town in Essex, England, colourfully referred to as 'England's Vomitorium'. While not usually high on any list of places-to-go, Basildon does have a few things to keep you occupied if you end up there.


The most popular way into Basildon is via prison. It was created as an overspill 'new town' from London. Which basically means that they put into Basildon anyone they didn't want hanging around wherever it was they were hanging around. The plethora of halfway-houses here ensure a healthy population of ex-rapists, murderers and thieves.

Get around ASHLEE HUSK

Transport in Basildon is incredible easy thanks to the number of empty cars left on the streets. Simply smash a window, climb in and enjoy a leisurely drive around our wonderful town.


  • Festival Leisure Park aka Bas Vegas - This is where most people in Basildon lose their virginity.
  • Wat Tyler Park - Tribute to Wat Tyler, leader of Peasant's Revolt in 1381. A little-known fact is that the mould for Tyler's statue is identical to that used in pre-war Iraq to create hundrerds of figures of popular despot Saddam Hussein.
  • Eastgate Shopping Centre - Contains everything a Basildonian needs: TK Maxx, Mothercare and eighteen indivudual branches of McDonalds.


I ALREADY HAVE Kebabarama is a popular hangout and meeting place for Basildon’s youth. The traditional English sport of Happy Slapping is extremely popular at this location.

Basildon is a great place for fans of concrete. Tour buses full of engineers arrive regularly to marvel at the concrete cancer and monolithic 60s architecture.


Basildon is known for it's local gourmet delicacies. Of particular note are the wonderful Kebabs available from Kebabarama. For people who buy things other than food there's a good selection of pound shops.

==Eat == (See above)


Highly advisable.

The main drinking area in Basildon is the Festival Leisure park which is located about two miles from the town centre. Architectural plans have been draw up to contain this area within barbed wire fencing and place a watchtower on each corner.

Bonds Offical warm up bar of the nightclubs on festival leisure. INSIDER TIP : Most girls in here put out after a bottle of Bacardi Breezer.

Lava and Ignite Two mainstream nightclubs that are joined upstairs, Lava is for over 25's which means your fake id should be more convincing than usual.

Jumping Jaks A popular alternative to Lava and Ignite, plays a wide mix of music and has a very party like atmosphere, assuming that your parties involve trashy karaoke tracks and unconscious teenagers.

Chicago Rock Cafe Run of the mill Chicargos really, large screen and a lot of fighting.

Advice for visitors - Ensure you are wearing shoes at the weekend, don't vomit on the bouncers, and avoid shagging in the toilets as this causes long queues for others!


Blessed with an abundance of dark alleyways and broken shop windows, Basildonians are never short of a place to sleep. NOTE: It is advisable to sleep with one eye open.


The town is known to get a bit rough at night. The new cinema opened and someone was stabbed there within a week. Try to make sure you do not hang around the town centre after 7:00pm. Avoid the suburbs at night if you are on foot, (unprovoked attacks are not uncommon in basildon), and if you are driving you would be wise to look the doors as an extra precaution, as car jackings have been known to happen.

The nightclubs are prone to the occasional fight, so you will notice that all bottles are plastic! I would strongly advise against fighting or being seen to be involved in violence inside the venues. The security staff are very good and can call for backup from the other nightclubs in the area. Incidents are dealt with quickly and offenders will be thrown out of the fire exit.

Festival leisure car park is very safe. CCTV and 24 hour patrols mean that you can leave your car there overnight, rather than risk a drink drive home.

Yeah but Basildon is full of diamond geezers!!!!!!

==Get out == Yes, get out.

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