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Flaccid Peninsula National Park

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Flaccid Peninsula National Park

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This was an April Fool's Day joke article. We amused ourselves tremendously in making it. Please refrain from dragging out the silliness and plunge forward on some real articles!
The Flaccid Peninsula during Winter

Flaccid Peninsula National Park is an occasionally popular region of You. It's one of the few rapidly moving land masses on Earth, and completely changes direction almost daily... it can go from a calm southerly position to more of a north-northwest in a matter of seconds. While many enjoy their visit to the Peninsula, others fear it like the plague and believe setting foot there, especially early in life, leads straight to Hell.



The Flaccid Peninsula is one of the oldest known regions of Earth. Legends say that those who created Earth noticed the Flaccid Peninsula right away, and were awed by its appearance. It is said that their initial discovery of the land greatly influenced their thoughts and future behaviors as they watched the Earth age.

The Flaccid Peninsula was not always known to locals on the mainland as a moving landmass. Original inhabitants of the mainland first noticed the Peninsula switching from facing south to north about ten to thirteen years after settling there, depending on whom you ask. The rapid, unprecedented growth of the Harry Woodlands (see below) at the base of the Peninsula followed in the weeks after the first directional shift.


Dense forest cover the northernmost region, known as the Harry Woodlands. However this region may at times be subject to massive deforestation by the National Parks Service, as it fast becomes both an eyesore and a physical annoyance.

Across the bay, on the mainland is a swampy area known as the Testiglades. The glades are less well-traveled by tourists than the Peninsula, as their geographic features tend to frighten or disturb visitors. However, many ardent fans of the Peninsula visit them yearly to marvel at the mysterious "Bubbling Hills" that dominate the landscape.

The Backcountry, essentially a huge, dark, cavernous canyon is even less-traveled than the glades. Not much is known about the merits of traveling here, as it is considered a taboo by locals. Some reports exist of tourists who have made it there alive, but often return smelling unpleasant.

Flora and Fauna[edit]

The Harry Woodlands are the main area for explorations of floral and fauna activity. They also tend to be a good place to go crabbing, if you are so inclined. The Woodlands are often trimmed or removed completely by the National Parks Service. However, because they grow so fast, in times of low tourism the Parks Service tends to become lazy and allows them to grow over several weeks or even months. In times of high tourism, the Parks Service generally deforests every day or two. Many tourists never even have a chance to see the Woodlands in all their majestic glory.


A fairly warm climate exists all over Flaccid Peninsula National Park. The Harry Woodlands are generally drier than the main peninsula, although this can vary depending on the timing of the last deforestation.

Much of the region around the capital, Point Conception, gets far hotter and wetter when the peninsula faces north. Volcanic activity is also considered to be far more likely in these conditions.

Get in[edit]

St. Jean's International Zipport is the main entryway to Flaccid Peninsula National Park. The airport (actually just a giant metal strip) is located on the outskirts of the Harry Woodlands, extremely far from the city of Point Conception. Some say this was done on purpose to protect the extremely coddled residents.

The airport's available routes vary wildly. Depending on the religious status of the governing body, the airport may remain closed indefinitely for decades. Sometimes, the airport will only permit entry from one destination for up to years at a time, then close for a few days entirely, and then offer free tourism tickets for basically any destination at all. If you want to visit Flaccid Peninsula National Park, don't hesitate -- go when you have the ability, otherwise due to the everchanging and irregular procedures, you may never get another chance.

Entry into the capital city, Point Conception (see map), is strictly prohibited. Even residents of the other areas on the peninsula are not permitted to even view the insides of the city, let alone visit it. Visitors are, however, encouraged to explore the surrounding areas outside the city -- this includes the Peninsula Bluffs (considered dangerously slippy when the peninsula faces north), and panoramic views of the volcano that dominates Point Conception's skyline.

For the steel-stomached, some images of the inside of Point Conception do exist on a few sketchy websites. Be warned, they are not pretty, so view at your own risk. These images can be viewed from anywhere in the world; a visit to the Peninsula (or even a visa to fly into the airport) is not required.


There are currently no monetary laws in place on the Peninsula. Although it does happen, it is illegal for the Peninsula to spend money to stimulate tourism, and likewise illegal for any visitors to actually purchase access to the Peninsula (although many loopholes have been found and exploited for private financial gain).

Get around[edit]

There are no speed limits, but avoid excessive speeds in dry conditions.

See[edit][add listing]

  • The Spitzer monument of flagging flaccidity. 9 Emperor VIP road, Mayflower 817. Erected, March 2008.
  • Mushroom Mountain. An active volcano; white hot lava streams out at rates of 45 miles per hour. Watch out.

Do[edit][add listing]

-Treat the landscape with care.

-Approach with caution.

Buy[edit][add listing]

-Protective gear. -Safety measures.

Eat[edit][add listing]

Although something of an acquired taste, peninsula milk is rich in protein and vitamins. Most visitors to the peninsula prefer to taste rather than swallow the local speciality. Some visitors do prefer to use the milk for facial treatments. Recent studies show that regular consumption of Flaccid Peninsula Milk prevents breast cancer.

Drink[edit][add listing]

Avoid drinking the liquid at all costs.

Sleep[edit][add listing]

The whiskey crop on the Peninsula has been known to cause a rare form of "Landmass Narcolepsy" and prevents the regions frequent earthquakes.




Lots of undocumented experimentation has gone on in this region. Exploration of this region had previously (and is still) somewhat of a taboo, but recent developments show that most if not all individuals enjoy exploring this area.

Stay safe[edit]

purchase a close fitting raincoat when possible. Also a closed toed pair of shoes on the beach should be used as protection from the Native Crab population.

Get out[edit]

  • Dildo — an option when Flaccid doesn't quite hit the spot
  • Dingle Peninsula — the Irish counterpart to Flaccid
  • Fucking — a pleasant Austrian rural village for the hard-up traveller

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