Difference between revisions of "Hell (Hades)"
Revision as of 19:02, 3 April 2007
Hell (also known as Hades and Aitch Ee Double Tooth Picks) is a place of eternal damnation in the Underworld. It is (for many travelers) the ultimate destination. Hell is popular with travelers rich and poor alike, at all times of year. The good news is that going to Hell requires little planning, but it's not for everyone.
Hell was created shortly after God created the Heavens and the Earth, serving as a place to banish the angel Lucifer when he rebelled against the Creator. Though an armistice was signed, Hell has nevertheless remained in a state of war with Heaven, from which it is separated by a De-Militarized Zone.
Hell has one political party: the National Socialist Party, though a top-level leadership position is being reserved for the guy who invented the half-hour "infomercial". Hell has been on the U.S. State Department's list of State Sponsors of Terrorism since last Tuesday. However, it's been on God's list since the Abel Incident.
It's a pit. A really deep pit, made up of nine concentric circles going all the way down to the center.
Flora and fauna
Although the vegetation is sparse in most parts of Hell, the Forest of Suicides in the Seventh Circle is a spectacular - albeit disturbing - sight, which has become a popular settlement area of late.
Three-headed hounds roam the muddy regions of the Third Circle.
Reports vary on the climate of Hell. Reputable Middle-Ages travelogue writer Dante Alighieri described it as dark and cold, and indescribably frigid at its center. However more recent descriptions suggest very high temperatures, with a snowball having little chance of surviving. Sounds like global warming has already affected the tourism appeal of this destination. One notable exception to this longstanding heat wave was a brief period on October 27, 2004 when Hell in fact froze over. Experts are still debating the nature of this cold snap, though anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have been caused by the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series.
A widely used greetings is "Hell-o", and visitors are expected to learn the word (they usually do) before they go to Hell.
Visas are available from many major religions, with the criteria varying depending on denomination. Some require a deliberate rejection of God and subsequent evil deeds, but others require only indifference, or even just a failure to faithfully execute a complex set of rites.
A small ferry crosses the River Styx as needed. Charon, the ferryman, is not a pleasant fellow, but is mostly harmless. The fare is one silver obolus (1/6 of a pre-Euro Greek drachma). When Charon is in a good mood (which is pretty much never) you can pay in other currencies: US$0.25, Can$37.43, or €0.02.
The easiest - and oftentimes the quickest - way to get to Hell is in a handbasket.
Hell has an excellent highway system. (There are no stop signs or speed limits) Take the Road of Good Intentions to the Exit of Inaction.
Trenitalia is currently the only national railway system to offer direct services to Hell. While fares are often quite low, you will have to make a brief connection in Purgatory before boarding one of the hourly Intercity services to Porto Inferno Centrale. Note: these trains offer second class compartments only. Do not try to board the trains bound for "Glory" with your ticket to Hell; violators will be persecuted.
You should definitely hire a guide; the Roman poet Virgil comes highly recommended.
Car rental is also widely available, but gas stations are scarce. The only gas station you can find here is the state-owned Station Hell (widely known as s-Hell).
Also to be noted, a great thing to take part in is the daily sadomasochism. Incorporating all of the famous things like whips and chains, and introducing new techniques such as the guillotine and burning the nether regions (quite the attraction in the Third Circle). No flash photography please, as cameras melt.
Shopping centers of every kind are abundant in Hell, and everything is always on sale at huge discounts. But the only payment accepted is credit cards, and yours has gone over your credit limit.
Eat nothing. Once you eat the food of the underworld, there's no leaving. Just ask the goddess Persephone, who was abducted by Hades and tricked into eating pomegranate seeds, so she had to become his queen.
There is no sleep for the wicked, except in Sihanoukville.
There is also a budget hotel in Hell downtown, called Hotel California. Here, you can check in anytime you like, but you might never leave.
A certain woman seems to be buying property at an alarming rate in a little-known sector of the Fourth Circle. She claims to be buying a "Stairway to Heaven" (See Image). However, she may extract a heavy toll for use of this route, as she is known for her greed. Such a stairway's exact whereabouts are unknown, though you may do well to trust the feeling you get when you look to the west.
Additionally, there are rumors of a bus stop which offers "round trips for some, but not for others..." out of Hell to points unknown.