Victorville
From Wikitravel
Victorville is a city in San Bernardino County in Southern California.
[edit] Get in
The most popular way to get to Victorville is by way of Interstate 15. Most people just drive by, not realizing they're passing a veritable smörgåsbord of slime and disgust, calmly intermingled with beauty and grace. However, the only way to get to Victorville and feel like you've done something worthwhile is to ride a donkey in. As you arrive in the city, people will begin to stare, and slowly begin to clap, ultimately giving you a standing ovation for miles as you make your way through our humble abode. For some reason riding a donkey through the city just making bystanders feel happy and peaceful, which is key to your safety if you plan on visiting Walmart or the intersection of Mojave and Village Drives. Victorville is a stop along Amtrak's [1] daily Southwest Chief line between Los Angeles and Chicago. The westbound train to L.A. arrives at 4:18AM and the eastbound train arrives at 9:40PM.
[edit] Get around
Generally speaking, the best way to get around in the High Desert is to hitchhike. The public transportation system is severely lacking, and the buses all have gigantic windows on them, just begging people to laugh and point a finger at you, the poor schmuck that has to ride the bus. Another great way to get around without spending any money is to hide the bed of someone's truck, or in the trunk of their car. One important thing to remember, though, is that Victorville residents will not react favorably if they find you, so try to hide under a trash bag or something similar. If you absolutely have to get somewhere and none of the above options are available, you'll just have to hoof it. There is nothing wrong with walking five or six miles to get a soda; in fact, it's quite honorable. Think about the person who is driving home from work, thinking about how much their life sucks, when suddenly they see you walking and think "Hell, at least I'm not that poor fool". You'll brighten countless people's days without even trying.
[edit][add listing] See
A very popular place to go in Victorville is Food4Less. You can bag your own groceries and in doing so you'll also bag the savings. Perfect for those of you who have to walk everywhere. You can bag the savings, and hopefully put it towards a car. One thing you simply cannot leave Victorville without seeing is Interstate 15. It's literally impossible, since nobody in their right mind would ever come to or leave Victorville via any other way. Then again, you're reading about Victorville, so you're probably not in your right mind anyway.
[edit][add listing] Do
Round up your buddies and go streaking through The Mall. Notice that I capitalized that? Yes, it's called The Mall. Talk about original. After you go streaking, you'll probably be hungry, so go get something eat at The Restaurant, and while you're at it, get some clothes at The Clothing Store. After all of that, go get a drink at The Bar, and then go back to your Hotel and fall asleep in your Bed.
- Scandia Family Fun Center, 12627 Mariposa Rd, ☎ +1 760-241-4007, [3]. Winter: Su-Th 10AM-10PM, F-Sa 10AM-Midnight; Spring: Su-Th 10AM-11PM, F-Sa 10AM-1AM; Summer: Su-Th 10AM-Midnight, F-Sa 10AM-1AM; Fall: Su-Th 10AM-11PM, F-Sa 10AM-1AM. Go-kart racing, bumper boats, mini-golf and batting cages. $19 (unlimited pass). edit
[edit][add listing] Buy
Be sure to buy yourself a ride out of town. Victorville was actually founded by a guy who didn't have enough money to go any further on his journey, and almost everybody who lives here found themselves in the same boat and got stuck here. It's kinda like "Hotel California" by the Eagles. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave. At least not if you're broke, because you have no money to leave and you can't any money here without being so depressed you need to spend it on malt liquor.
[edit][add listing] Eat
The hands-down best place to eat in Victorville is the garbage can outside of Costco. They throw away so much excellent food that only gets better as the day gets hotter, you'll think you're dining in a five-star establishment in Paris (Texas, not France). If you're really craving something delicious, though, check out any fast-food restaurant. They almost all have a dollar menu, and for just a buck you can a burger that was grilled two hours ago, dropped on the floor a few times, maybe even stepped on, then microwaved with all of the vegetables on it and served to your poor unsuspecting self with a smirk poorly concealed by a smile. Yum.
[edit][add listing] Drink
To really fit in in Victorville, you'll need to drink like the locals do. That means lots and lots of malt liquor, preferably King Cobra or Colt 45. Old English and 211 Steel reserve are acceptable, but drinking either may lead to a mugging, since those are considered expensive, and as such are only consumed by rich white people.
If you want to be depressed (which you probably already are, since you're in Victorville), you should check out the local bar scene. Mr. V's is probably the only bar in the city worth spending any time at, and so you should go to a different bar. Karma is a local nightclub with lots of "dude-bros" and skanky women, but you may enjoy it there if maintain your inward smirk at how lame the place is. A really depressing place is Johnny Fingers Bar. There you can see depressed older people singing karaoke about as well as Edison did at inventing the light bulb (yeah, sure he got it right, but it only took him 2,000 tries).
[edit][add listing] Sleep
- Days Inn, 15401 Park Ave. East, +1 760-241-7516, [5].
- Motel 6, 16901 Stoddard Wells Road, ☎ +1 760 243-0666 (fax: +1 760 243-2554), [6]. edit
[edit] Stay Safe
Wow, you really are needy, aren't you? You've been pointed in the right direction for food, beverage, transportation, and accommodation, and you still want more? If you want to stay safe, you have to pay attention. There are wild animals everywhere, desperately searching for sustenance in this vast desert. If you see a hippopotamus, back away slowly and do not make eye contact, as this will arouse the hippo.
[edit] Get out
Yes, please get out. We don't need your filth here. Go back to L.A. or wherever you swine come from.
| This article is an outline and needs more content. It has a template, but there is not enough information present. Please plunge forward and help it grow! |
