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Hell (Hades)

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[[File:noframe|250px|frameless|Hell (Hades)]]
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[[File:Hl-flag.png|108px|frameless]]
Quick Facts
Capital Pandemonium (according to Dante)
Government infernal dictatorship
Currency small children
Area indefinite
Population 2,959,388,576 (July 2006 est.)
Language British English
Religion Satanist (official) 80.1%, Atheist 4.1%, Agnostic 1.7%, Scientologist 8.2%, other non-belief 5.9% (2002)
Electricity 130V/ItReallyHz (Ear plug)
Country code 666
Internet TLD .XXX
Time Zone UTC±13

Hell (also known as Hades and Aitch Ee Double Tooth Picks) is a place of eternal damnation in the Underworld. It is (for many travelers) the ultimate destination. Hell is popular with travelers rich and poor alike, at all times of year. The good news is that going to Hell requires little planning, but it's not for everyone.

Understand

History

Top-Down Map of Hell

Hell was created shortly after God created the Heavens and the Earth, serving as a place to banish the angel Lucifer when he rebelled against the Creator. Though an armistice was signed, Hell has nevertheless remained in a state of war with Heaven, from which it is separated by a De-Militarized Zone.

Politics

Hell has one political party: the National Socialist Party, though a top-level leadership position is being reserved for the guy who invented the half-hour "infomercial". Hell has been on the U.S. State Department's list of State Sponsors of Terrorism since last Tuesday. However, it's been on God's list since the Abel Incident.

Hell is not a member state of the UN, partially due to protest by both UN member Heaven, and protest from the Vatican.

Landscape

It's a pit. A really deep pit, made up of nine concentric circles going all the way down to the center.

Flora and fauna

Although the vegetation is sparse in most parts of Hell, the Forest of Suicides in the Seventh Circle is a spectacular - albeit disturbing - sight, which has become a popular settlement area of late.

Three-headed hounds roam the muddy regions of the Third Circle.

Climate

Reports vary on the climate of Hell. Reputable Middle-Ages travelogue writer Dante Alighieri described it as dark and cold, and indescribably frigid at its center. However more recent descriptions suggest very high temperatures, with a snowball having little chance of surviving. Sounds like global warming has already affected the tourism appeal of this destination. One notable exception to this longstanding heat wave was a brief period on October 27, 2004 when Hell in fact froze over. Experts are still debating the nature of this cold snap, though anecdotal evidence suggests that it may have been caused by the Boston Red Sox winning the World Series.

Culture

A widely used greeting is "Hell-o", and visitors are expected to learn the word (they usually do) before they go to Hell.

Get in

Visas are available from many major religions, with the criteria varying depending on denomination. Some require a deliberate rejection of God and subsequent evil deeds, but others require only indifference, or even just a failure to faithfully execute a complex set of rites.

By boat

A small ferry crosses the River Styx as needed. Charon, the ferryman, is not a pleasant fellow, but is mostly harmless. The fare is one silver obolus (1/6 of a pre-Euro Greek drachma). When Charon is in a good mood (which is pretty much never) you can pay in other currencies: US$0.25, Can$37.43, or €0.02. Today Charon is not in a good mood. Find that obolus!

By handbasket

The easiest - and oftentimes the quickest - way to get to Hell is in a handbasket. And if you do, a nice way to not have to worry about the giant handbasket you will need to figure out how to park is to go in a bamboo one that will neatly burn up on your arrival. Get out quick!!

By car

Hell has an excellent highway system. (There are no stop signs or speed limits) Take the Road of Good Intentions to the Exit of Inaction.

By plane

  • Ryanair offer connections to Hell via The Moon St Hairy Camel Int'l Airport.
  • Hell's national airline, Con Air, currently has scheduled flights from Beijing, which depart at 1130 every Tuesday and Saturday, and return from Hell at 0900 on the same days.

By train

Trenitalia is currently the only national railway system to offer direct services to Hell. While fares are often quite low, you will have to make a brief connection in Purgatory before boarding one of the hourly Intercity services to Porto Inferno Centrale. Note: these trains offer second class compartments only. Do not try to board the trains bound for "Glory" with your ticket to Hell; violators will be persecuted.

Hell's transportation authority has partnered with the US to provide train service to and from Hell. From the west coast, Amtrak offers the Coast Hotlights, Operating from King Street Station in Seattle to Hell via Los Angeles and Limbo. In the east coast, Ahela operates high speed service from Washington DC to Hell via Boston, Baltimore, Philadelphia, and New York. Please note that Roman Catholic citizens are now forbidden to board any Coast Hotlights train traveling via Limbo. Night and early morning trains which skip the Limbo Station are available. In addition, passengers on the Ahela are advised that NDE's are normal.

Get around

You should definitely hire a guide; the Roman poet Virgil comes highly recommended because he can bring you back out on short notice.

Car rental is also widely available, mostly from car rental giant Hertz. Keep in mind that gas stations are scarce in hell. The only gas station you can find here is the state-owned Station Hell (widely known as S-Hell).

Hell's transportation authority operates a steel jail-like elevator, providing access to every level of the 9 circles in Hell.

See

  • The Gates of Hell (Limbo, outside the First Circle) are a sight not to be missed. Be sure to get snapshot of your travel companions walking past the inscription "Abandon All Hope Ye Who Enter Here".
  • Phlegethon (Seventh Circle, outer ring) is the river of boiling blood, where violent sinners can be spotted, often gurgling under the surface. Fishing is not recommended.
  • Lake Cocytus (Ninth Circle, innermost reaches) is the pristine lake of ice where you can find Satan himself, chewing in his three mouths for all eternity the tortured souls of Brutus, Cassius, and Judas. The skate rental can be found on the eastern shore of the lake, next to the small passage leading to the other side of the planet (near Paradisio). Keep in mind that ice frequently cracks, moves, and sinks for no reason whatsoever.
  • Hells Bells, recently purchased from the Young Brothers of Australia, is clearly a majestic work of art. Fashioned by late 20th century artists, it has the appeal of Dark Ages Europe, when bubonic plague ruled the earth.

A temporary location for Hells Bells is the Temple of Syrinx, until a permanent structure can be built.

Do

Thou shalt:

  1. Worship other Gods.
  2. Take the Lord's name in vain.
  3. Violate the Sabbath.
  4. Dishonor your parents.
  5. Kill.
  6. Commit adultery.
  7. Steal.
  8. Bear false witness.
  9. Covet your neighbor's wife.
  10. Covet your neighbor's ass.
  11. Covet your neighbor's wife's ass.

Also to be noted, a great thing to take part in is the daily sadomasochism. Incorporating all of the famous things like whips and chains, and introducing new techniques such as the guillotine and burning the nether regions (quite the attraction in the Third Circle). No flash photography please, as cameras melt.

After significant protest from residents of Hell, the government has outlawed the use of the T-Mobile Sidekick. Violators will have their phone book and contents of phone posted on the internet, then prosecuted.

Make sure to see one of the daily Michael Bolton concerts.

Buy

Shopping centers of every kind are abundant in Hell, and everything is always on sale at huge discounts. However, the only payment accepted is credit cards, and yours has gone over its credit limit.

Eat

Eat nothing. Once you eat the food of the underworld, there's no leaving. Just ask the goddess Persephone, who was abducted by Hades and tricked into eating pomegranate seeds, so she had to become his queen.

Still many dine in Hell. Most noticeably Spartans, all 300 of them.

There are many theories as to why those who "dine in hell" are trapped there forever. One of these theories is that the food is so good the people just keep coming back for more. However, this was widely discredited by Persephone. "Those seeds were nasty!!" she said. "I think they were rotten, and they tasted sort of burned."

For obvious reasons, fire grilled is the preferred method of cooking in Hell for residents and travelers alike. Common ingredients include hot pepper, kimchi, gun powder, nitro, C4, and often pure fire.

Drink

  • The waters of the River Lethe are popular for the forgetfulness they induce. They can erase undeveloped photographic film, so be careful.
  • Beer is available, but unfortunately a few cases of 7-11, discovered in a warehouse last year, is the only option.

Sleep

There is no sleep for the wicked, except in Sihanoukville.

There is also a budget hotel in Hell downtown, called Hotel California. Here, you can check out anytime you like, but you can never leave.

Stay safe

  • Holy water will protect you from most threats in Hell. But be sure your holy water is authentic. You can import pope-certified holy water directly from the Vatican in case you don't trust your local parish.
  • There's a distinct lack of fire extinguishers; fire-proof clothing is essential. Be sure to bring extra clothes, as clothing is often melted or burned away (residents refer to this as "wear and tear".
  • Durex might help. If it fails, you might need to visit Whadda Hell Clinic to get the Morning After Pill.
  • When at the Meyer Centre in the Brisbane district, don't eat at the lower food court or go to Tops, especially on Saturdays. You are liable to be gassed, have your drinks and foodstuffs spiked. Visitors are warned to watch their food and drinks at all times; it's not just enough to be sitting next to them. Also, keep an eye out for strange people, you might be personally violated. I was gassed not one but THREE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
  • Caution: May freeze over if the Cubs win the world series, Lions win the Super Bowl, the Leafs win the Cup, or that hot cheerleader that says "Hell Will freeze over before I sleep with you" decides to sleep with you. Note: This is closely related to pigs flying. Some things happen when it is a cold day in hell, which occurs more frequently than a complete "freeze over". Just be aware that a lot of very strange things happen when the temperature takes a dip.

Contact

  • The (toll-free) number of the Beast is 800-666-HATE, or T Mobile subscribers can dial *666 from their cell phones
  • There have been many recent incidents involving an angry mob beating up people on cell phones, most notably one in a grey jumpsuit and horn rimmed glasses. For safety, Hell recommends that you do not say the following phrase when inside city limit: Can You Hear Me Now?
  • Internet access is occasionally available, but the service is wireless only, costs a fortune, is operated by AOL, and it's regulated by the Chinese.
  • Postal services are infamously worse than that of the USPS.
  • All outward correspondence should be routed through Poste Italiane, as their secondary headquarters can be found in Dis

Get out

Although visitors to this popular destination almost always stay here for all eternity, Dante once journeyed from here to Purgatory (then onward to Heaven). Best of luck!

A certain woman seems to be buying property at an alarming rate in a little-known sector of the Fourth Circle. She claims to be buying a "Stairway to Heaven" (See Image). However, she may extract a heavy toll for use of this route, as she is known for her greed. Such a stairway's exact whereabouts are unknown, though you may do well to trust the feeling you get when you look to the west.

Additionally, there are rumors of a bus stop which offers "round trips for some, but not for others..." out of Hell to points unknown.

Variants

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